Hate Crimes against Geeks on the Rise

The long running joke of high school is beating up the geek. It's in practically every movie in the genre. For many geeks it was considered a "right of passage" that gave them the drive and motivation to be successful academically so that they could later fire that tormentor and watch him degenerate into alcoholism and poverty. For many, this thought is the only thing that gets them through this most trying of times.

But now, geek violence has broken out of the stifling confines of the hell that is known as the high school experience and is becoming mainstream. Recently, a man dressed loosely as Darth Vader hopped a fence to assault two geeks with a crutch. The geeks were practicing their light saber skills (as geeks are wont to do) and filming it (obviously for future study to improve) and Arwel Hughes, heavily intoxicated, thought he'd join in. The victims consisted of Barney Jones (the founder of the Jedi Church) and his cousin Michael.

You don't have to be the founder of the Jedi Church to know that not just anyone should be playing with light sabers - real or not.

Hughes admitted to assaulting the dynamic duo and is due in court on May 13th. Hughes' lawyer said that alcohol was ruining his client's life. Apparently Hughes had consumed half of a 10 liter cask of wine (which is like 13 gallons or something - who knows?) before the assault. Hughes claims not to remember the attack nor can he remember where the crutch came from - which probably means he stole it and additional charges will be levied.

Additional research by myself and a reliable source close to this story (known only as Boba) indicates that there is more here than meets the eye. Hughes' troubles with alcohol began soon after high school (or the English equivalent) where he was known as a dedicated bully. Geek lore tells that this reign was brutal and deadly with a 100% increase in trash canning, purple nurples, atomic wedgies, indian burns, and swirlies. Whispers of the fate of Harvey Neumenacher, supposedly transferred to a different school, are widespread and disturbing - the worst of which is that Hughes still has him chained up in his basement.

It doesn't end there, however. Hughes has a number of complaints on his record for "disturbing the peace" which were, in fact, more examples of on-geek violence. Unfortunately, since many of the police think such acts are funny and not necessarily dangerous, Hughes has consistently been let off with a warning. Now, that cycle of hate has come full circle and led Hughes into a situation that the law must respond. I mean, really, attacking a member of the clergy?! They can't let this one go can they?

While the hate laws in America are definitely more strict than they are across the pond, there are still no formal protection for geeks. Senator Thrawn, a new senator flush with a recent and somewhat unexpected rise to power, said, "I think we all realize there is a problem here. A group is being singled out without the protection of our great nation. I was considered quite the nerd back in the day you know." 

While many may shake their heads and think that this is all fear-mongering and alarmist - think about it. Do you like Star Wars? Star Trek? Do your friends come to you for advice about computers or other electronics? Do you have a old comic book collection floating around that you just can't bear to get rid of? What about video games? Sure, they are not geeky per-se but do you hold a world record (or at least rate in the top 100)? What about your books? It is Stephen King and John Grisham or R.A. Salvatore and Timothy Zahn? You could be their next target! If this continues unabated, we could see roving bands of ex-high school football stars roaming the streets beating up anyone in a Mini, Prius, or wearing glasses. Civil War reenacters, train collectors, computer programmers, and cosplayers would have either invent Predator-like cloaking abilities or board themselves into their homes (more likely their mom's basement, but whatever). Soon we'd degenerate into two castes: the well tanned feeble-minded and the albino intelligent groups. And we all saw Time Machine and know that the geeks will eventually just start using the jocks for food and no one wants that.

Are on-geek hate crimes outside of high school new? No. But at least now we're starting to hear about them. And as a wise man once said, "Knowing is half the battle."